I’ve been feeling..stunted recently. Some things happened to me this year that took my passion, my drive, my motivation, my heart – away.
I’ve wanted to write.
I’ve wanted to do.
But the fire just hasn’t been there.
Every time I feel the urge, I can’t find the words. Someone said to me the other day, we feel like you’ve disappeared. I hated hearing that. But she was right. I felt the same way. I have been feeling empty. Luckily not in a depressed way, just haven’t felt like me. I’m used to giving, sharing, offering, creating, participating.
But 2019 just hasn’t been my year.
I’ve been looking towards 2020 as a new beginning.
Something to focus on.
Something to recharge me.
Something to bring me back.
I was relying on January 1, 2020 to be my turning point – for no other reason than I needed something to believe in, something that would refocus me.
I was going to write again.
I was going to be present again.
I was going to share again. I was going to focus on a super important test I need to take for my career. 2020 man, that was going to be it, and I was counting down the days. I had pretty much called it in for 2019.
But then the most outrageous thing happened to me today. And I’m actually sitting in my car BEYOND alternate side hours just so I can get it all out. And after you finish reading you will feel extra badly for me that I’m still sitting In the car, in the cold, with no coat on.
You see. I had a coat on when I got to the car at 9:30am. It was a little wet from the rain. But that’s to be expected. After a training I went to on Friday I became extra motivated to continue my work. Helping women become mothers. I rode my peloton this morning – I rode it for me, but also as a reminder and a thank you – my incredible fertility support group raised money to get it for me last year.
They believe in me, I need to do the same.
So I got on the bike – pushed myself, I could have pushed harder, but can’t we always? I finished the ride. Popped a pill – I take meds for ADD because it’s literally impossible for me to complete a project if I’m not on something and today was the first day of my study plan. Quickly jumped in the shower. Made a coffee. Grabbed my study guides and planner and ran to the car to arrive before alternate side parking began – got there at 9:29am just in time to sit for an hour and a half. While I don’t have a salary it would irresponsible for us to keep the car in a lot. But since we need the car from time to time to travel anywhere with our broad – we’ve been keeping it in the city. This just means – as I have a flexible schedule – I’ve been sitting in the car Monday and Thursday from 9:30-11. Today I was going to be productive. Use this time, and my focused brain power – for good use. So I started immersing myself in the book. Getting anxious about taking the test – but also excited about finally having my clinical license. I’m a terrible test taker – but this is a really important one for me personally and professionally for a number of reasons.
So I’m studying, but also acutely aware of the sensation creeping up on me that I’m going to have to pee soon.
Time goes on.
Studying does too.
Then I’m starting to really have to pee. You see, I’m directly outside of my apartment building – where both my apartment and laundry room have a bathroom. I’m also directly across from my doctors’ office. But. If I cop came for the 2 1/2 minutes I was in there, I would have gotten a $65 ticket. I kept seeing people pass by and was tempted to ask them to just stand next to my car while I ran in. Then I thought – its only 30 minutes. Maybe I can handle it. But. I did drink two bottles of water and a large coffee – so really. I couldn’t.
At 10:40, with 20 minutes to go I was texting with a friend about career plans because focusing on studying when you’re about to pee yourself is a near impossibility. I then shared with her that I couldn’t possibly discuss anything other than my immense need to pee. She asked if I had a wide bottle. In truth I almost opened the front and back door of the car and peed on the ground – circa tailgating concert days. But people kept walking by. I looked down and sure enough a yellow paw patrol kids’ bowl that was shaped like a dog bowl was on the ground. Fuck it – I thought. This is wide and my bladder is about to burst. I saw tissues and paper towels on the floor as well but was so desperate I couldn’t even muster the energy to grab them or think through a plan of action. I quickly pulled down my pants. Coat still on. In the front seat of the car, legs under the steering wheel. Stuck Chase and his crew under my crotch and let go. I want to say I felt relief immediately – but, no. Apparently two water bottles and a coffee are more liquid than one small paw patrol bowl can handle. Because not only did I need to dump one full bowl out of the car (by the way – how the fuck to you pull a full-to-the-brim bowl of urine out from under you without spilling? Answer : you don’t) I then had to fill up another without serious dripping and splatter (nope). I regret having to share the news but, the overflow component was more than I could bare. I am 40 years old. Completely sober. It’s 10:50am, And I just peed everywhere. I mean, everywhere. All over the car seat. My coat. My shirt. My pants. My hands. And now, 20 minutes later I am still sitting in it. Because the urge to write and share this outrageous story sparked something in me. I will edit this later. For now I need to discreetly extricate myself from the car, throw a laundry in, take a scalding hot shower, see how much dry cleaning for a winter – not water proof coat – coat is, and learn how the hell you clean a car seat.
Ah well, the car is solidly in a spot for two more days, before I get to do this all over again. And we saved $65 on a ticket…that can now be used to pay for hundreds of dollars of cleaning.
It seems I’m back.
Look out 2019, you’ve not seen the last of me.
2020, I’m armed with a bladder, a yellow paw patrol bowl and a reason to write – you’ll be hearing from me soon.
If you’re interested in reading more about my crazy life – please follow me @bexhasbabies or to learn about how I support women through their motherhood journey, @itsconceivablebyrebekahrosler.