Who Am I?

Who am I?

I once thought I knew.

That was before.

But at this point there have been so many “befores” i can’t keep track.

I’ve been seeing all the women I used to stand shoulder to shoulder with in the infertility space posting during NIAW, and I don’t see myself as a voice there anymore, my own doing.

I see all the NYC mom bloggers sharing about their new finds and life decisions, and I can’t bring myself to do the same anymore. they’ve impressively invested time and energy in building – and I wish I had the urge, the motivation to do the same.

I see my AIPAC friends (well, past-life friends, because I didn’t invest in keeping those friendships alive either), still fighting the fight – and it’s just not my fight anymore.

I can’t decide if I lost myself, or just haven’t found myself.

I spent years building myself businesses only to see them fall and fail – and I wonder, was it me, was it timing, was it because I just don’t know what I need, who I am or who I should be?

this last year – I was a mom.

and so much of me was grateful to get this incredible time.

but I stopped writing.

and I stopped posting.

and I stopped sharing.

and perhaps I stopped dreaming.

I left behind the world I was building.

I left behind the people I was supporting.

And now I’m “here” and don’t know where to begin, again.

My family and bike have become my primary focuses – it’s felt like there’s no space for anything else.

but for so many others, it seems it was an opportunity to grow.

this is not a woe is me post.

this is a mid-life-realization post that I’m a little bit lost, a tad confused, a little uncertain and very much aware that i’m 41 and my path has twisted and turned in many many directions.

I’m in awe of everyone who seems to have figured it all out. or at least has the present moment figured out – because I’m not even sure of that these days.

As I currently invest all of me into completing something I set out on decades ago – I wonder, what’s next?

I majored in Religion.

I became a Social Worker.

I wanted to be a High School Therapist.

I took the fork in the road.

I became a wife, a mom, a doula.

I jumped into passions and jumped out just as quickly.

I left the only life I knew.

And now?

What now?

What’s next?

“Tell me, what is it you intend to do with your one wild and precious life?”

I wish I had the answer.