For the first time in a long time I had a full day where I felt wildly productive.
Felt good about the work I put in and proud of myself for what I accomplished.
And then, it all turned. As it can so quickly.
I had a moment tonight.
A moment where in the course of 60 seconds it was glaringly apparent that I am a failure.
I had three concurrent interactions that made me feel like I am not good enough.
My ideas are not good enough.
My actions are not good enough.
This all happened leading up to dinner time for my family. I was warming up a pre-cooked meat meal for my children that passed its expiration date. I tried not to respond to the messages while getting teary eyed looking for frozen vegetables (the only kind I ever have/feed my kids) that I knew weren’t there, because we ran out two days ago.
I was also fighting back tears while responding to suggestions on my Facebook post – where I asked the community how to do a basic, simple project for my kids, a project that literally anyone could do.
But I can’t.
I just can’t get my shit together.
And I don’t know how to do better.
I also didn’t remember that parent teacher conference is tomorrow.
I know I’ve written about it before – but sometimes I look at the life I’m providing my children and feeling devastated that I’m not able to do more for them. Is everyone around me really able to afford/cook/give their kids the luxurious perfect life it seems? I can’t even make a fucking Valentine’s Day card in time for the holiday.
Nathan came home with the kids, and his work challenges. I tried to offer empathy, sympathy, whatever I could. I was trying to put on a brave face at dinner, but when I reminded Harper that I’d be leaving for work shortly, she started crying.
“Mommy, don’t go.” Bottom lip trembling.
I lost it.
And cried in front of everyone.
I couldn’t stop.
I was sad.
She asked me if I was happy.
I told her I wasn’t right now.
“Why are you sad?”
I said: “Sometimes it’s hard being a mommy.”
And she said. “Sometimes it’s hard being a mommy”.
It really is guys.
It’s really fucking hard being an adult.
A business owner.
I know I’m not a failure. I do.
But sometimes, it’s just really hard being a mommy.
If you’re interested in reading more about my crazy life – please follow me @bexhasbabies or to learn about how I support women through their motherhood journey, @itsconceivablebyrebekahrosler.
One thought on “Not Good Enough”
Hi there, I’m a digital editor with @lovewhatmatters. We feature heartfelt and meaningful stories happening in people’s lives. I came across your story and would love to touch base with you to learn more of your larger background journey for an inspiring story on our website. Is that something you’d be interested in? Email me! Becky@lovewhatmatters.com