For the first time in a long time I had a full day where I felt wildly productive.
Felt good about the work I put in and proud of myself for what I accomplished.
And then, it all turned. As it can so quickly.
I had a moment tonight.
A moment where in the course of 60 seconds it was glaringly apparent that I am a failure.
I had three concurrent interactions that made me feel like I am not good enough.
My ideas are not good enough.
My actions are not good enough.
This all happened leading up to dinner time for my family. I was warming up a pre-cooked meat meal for my children that passed its expiration date. I tried not to respond to the messages while getting teary eyed looking for frozen vegetables (the only kind I ever have/feed my kids) that I knew weren’t there, because we ran out two days ago.
I was also fighting back tears while responding to suggestions on my Facebook post – where I asked the community how to do a basic, simple project for my kids, a project that literally anyone could do.
But I can’t.
I just can’t get my shit together.
And I don’t know how to do better.
I also didn’t remember that parent teacher conference is tomorrow.
I know I’ve written about it before – but sometimes I look at the life I’m providing my children and feeling devastated that I’m not able to do more for them. Is everyone around me really able to afford/cook/give their kids the luxurious perfect life it seems? I can’t even make a fucking Valentine’s Day card in time for the holiday.
Nathan came home with the kids, and his work challenges. I tried to offer empathy, sympathy, whatever I could. I was trying to put on a brave face at dinner, but when I reminded Harper that I’d be leaving for work shortly, she started crying.
“Mommy, don’t go.” Bottom lip trembling.
I lost it.
And cried in front of everyone.
I couldn’t stop.
I was sad.
She asked me if I was happy.
I told her I wasn’t right now.
“Why are you sad?”
I said: “Sometimes it’s hard being a mommy.”
And she said. “Sometimes it’s hard being a mommy”.
It really is guys.
It’s really fucking hard being an adult.
A business owner.
I know I’m not a failure. I do.
But sometimes, it’s just really hard being a mommy.